Its been awhile since i posted an entry. The people from genius department blocked this site and left me wondering why they would do such unfortunate thing. It's the only way of keeping me sane these days. I feel separated from my cyberworld.
Ive been the same. Yes, i know, grumpy and peevish. Nothing changed except i was feeling empty than ever. Been doing things intermittently and that leaves me upset for a little while. My productivity fades quickly thus, procrastinating is common for the past weeks. I know this is not fair, but the more I fight it off, the more i am feeling upset and unproductive. I spend more than usual, and majority of my spendings? You guessed it right. Food. And sometimes, i buy books, i search for toys for less than a hundred peso or ride a cab to and from some place in my periods of lethargy.
In between sadness, I am in search for a package that could easily be drawn out from within. That is no simple task. I went back to my old hobby, find a new one, appreciate things that I have. But when i'm alone at night, sadness is creeping back in. I wish I could skip the nights when I am awake but feeling nightmarish.
I started sketching. I made my own pocket-sized sketch pad from scratch papers in the office and i actually find it better than the inexpensive pads in National. I am not obligated to make the insides beautiful. I just sketch away and made my hand do the rest. I bought colored pencils, i bought a fine pen, i printed references but it just doesnt feel right.
I joined logo design contest, i did few studies, i did illustrations for an ipad game too. I wasn't chosen and that's okay and i stopped. I feel that its taking too much of my time.
I finished the last eight seasons of how i met your mother, i am done watching the last seasons of the walking dead, the vampire diaries and white collar. And now i will wait 3 months to start watching the first episodes of each of my favorite tv series. I finished the first season of modern family but when i was about to start the 2nd season, the genius department disabled our network sharing and i stopped converting for my iPod. That leaves me hanging and finding what else to do.
I started converting pdfs to epub. When im done converting, it takes just a day to finish one novel and then ill jump to the next. I read Hunger Games and Safe Haven in three days. I wonder why it's fast to read novels on a device than on a paperback?
I have my little companion at night or when i am lying on the sofa. His name's George and he's a stuffed chimpanzee i got from a relative in Canada. He wears blue jumpsuit with a matching red cap that has his name stitched on it.
I miss having night outs with my close friends. I miss the cramp in my stomach when laughing hard. I miss my friends so much. I rarely see them. Sometimes, i feel guilty for missing an important event in their lives. Some got married, some the christening of their first born and the 7th birthday of her daughter which i planned on attending for the past 4 years. I lost so much of these times and i am never getting it back. I am writing this with a heavy heart. I wanted to apologize but words are not enough to make things up for them. I feel bad enough to make this post. Sigh!
So i guess i know why i want my Enjoy friends to come over for dinner on weekends. My sisters made them pastries, and cook meals and we chat and laugh until its time for them to go home. I miss having someone to trust.
I have a good family. We never ran out of food on the table. We have water for everyday, and money to pay for the bills. Im thankful that the money is mot being spent on medicines. I can play video games whenever i want to and my dad is not strict about that.
Despite the things that i should be thankful for, i feel that something is not right. I feel something's missing. I don't know if I need to get out of town or something. It's like as if it's gonna change a thing.
I hope this end soon. Because it's really draining. And I really am not happy..
