*7 year old Caroline tripped from her bicycle apparently learning how to balance without the training wheels when the scene turns into her mom treating her wound
Caroline: Mommy am I gonna die?
Liz: I would say your chance of survival are 100 percent.
Caroline: Are you gonna die?
Liz: Well, everyone dies eventually, sweetie but not for a long long time
Caroline: But what if you die and I'm still here?
Liz: But then you will be all grown up and then you will not need me.*
It kicked me hard. I cried, I got up and showered. And now I am writing this with a hot milk in front of me. The 6th season of The Vampire Diaries is so depressing it's worth binge watching. My emotions spiralled when Caroline's mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died at the end of episode 14. Liz was with Damon in her bedside and went into coma while Caroline was busy preparing for her mom's surprise, apparently, to make her comfortable in her last remaining days, I guess a few miles from home. I think it was Elena's family cabin in the woods.
Upon hearing the news, Caroline rushed to the hospital only to miss the last few seconds of Liz's heart monitor beeping. She arrived late saying she should be there with her. Stefan suggested to say goodbye to her mom through her dreams, which the vampires are capable of doing especially on the latter's final moments.
TODAY
I wasn't able to say goodbye to my Mom when she died 27 years ago. As of this writing, I have about less than 10 memories of her and it sucks I have fewer memories of her being alive than her death and the days after that and those days when me and my younger sister were left alone in the house with lola or sometimes to my aunt sa kabilang bahay. It hurts so much today because she died while me and my siblings were young.
I cant imagine how my family felt when they are needed in the hospital. While the 7 year old me was scared and wants her Ate to go home already. Writing about this, I realized I dont remember anything after me and my sister wakes up in the morning realizing another day has to be endured without them at home. I can still remember how it felt. I still remember being sad. My sister was just 6 years old then but I remember her being jolly and playful, if my memory serves me right. And after I feel that sadness in the morning, all I can remember now is the relief in my Ate's arms. Tig-isa pa kami ng bunso namin sa kamay ng ate ko. So para syang nakadipa na nakahiga. We do that to hold her so she wouldnt have to go to the office anymore. And then we will wake up with that same sadness again and again and again because she left for work.
I forgot how it ended. And then another memory rushed in. My Dad told me Mommy's coming home later that night. He fetched us in the school and then I even said Ill eat pandesal so I would get fat when Mommy see me. After that, I cant remember much. And then I think that night, she arrived home. Sleeping. Bloated. Her head, wrapped but the face isnt. I remember they covered the mirror in the cabinet with a blanket. There, she was lying in the bed with me and my sister. I guess we were both excited. We had a picture of that moment with her. I was smiling. My little sister toothless and smiling with calamine all over her face. Me and my little sister wasn't aware that she was gone. For good.
The next thing I remember now was when a colleague of my uncle asked me where the CR was. Hindi ko pa alam yun noon. So that was when I knew about the word comfort room. At my mom's funeral. The next thing i remember it was the day of her burial. I didnt cry. Oh wait. I did. Once. My head down, sipping sprite in plastic. It was caught in camera. Me with my head down. Remember when my little sister was jolly and playful when they're still in the hospital? She cried the most that day of my Mom's burial.
This is the last vivid memory I had with my Mom: she fell down. I just looked at her. My Dad helped her up and asked kung anong nangyari. She just said papaliguan nya lang kami. I think she was losing it that time.
It hurts now that I dont remember much about her. And that I remember that I wasnt able to say goodbye to her properly. That you thought she's coming home okay. That she will spend the next of her 40 years yelling at us. It hurts now that after watching that episode, I want to see her in my dreams. Talk to her just one last time and ask how she is. O kung naiisip ba nya kami kahit hindi sya nagigising.
I never cried so much until today. And maybe i disagree with Liz there. That even at this age, I need her. I don't know what it's like to have a mom. I have my family. My dad and my siblings and pamangkins but I am kind of distant. I choose to. I stay away from any emotional involvement and I hate crying. Forgive me for being emotional today. Losing a loved one is just too much to bear even after 27 years especially when you thought you're going to spend the rest of your days with your mom. Maybe I'll tell her this when I see her again: "how could you leave us? I know we're all better now but things could've turned differenly when you're around."
Fuck drama. Always.
