This will be the first and last time that I will talk about this here. Because honestly, I feel the need to explain my side of the story. Or at least, to close something behind from the past. In general.
Of course this will be totally unfair because it's just my side of the coin but to be honest, I don't care how people will judge me because I know from the start that I was honest. Still honest. Up to this point. And for that specific person, I know you know I am telling the truth. (I am not sure if that person knows about this blog still, but heck, what I am going to lose anyway?)
THIS IS FOR YOU.
I may be the most selfish person you know. For wanting so much of your time. To see you. To be with you. To be reminded that once, I did not believe in something I thought was lost forever -- to be reminded that leaving was never an option. I get it that people sometimes fall out of love. I get it. It is something I still believe -- to love is also to leave.
But as I said once, love is a choice. and I choose to love and to stay. That no matter how much I was afraid that my heart's going to bleed as painfully, TWICE as I experienced it before, I chose to believe. I chose to stay no matter how hard it was for me to believe you. Because for me, it was all worth it. And I wasn't even TRYING to believe. I CHOOSE to believe. There's a big difference, see? You actually made me believe, and that, I owe you. Thank you.
I was grumpy, I say hurtful words, sometimes, I cannot control my temper, I'd lose it. I will stay quiet, not talk for a day. (To be honest, I don't care if you don't care when I was mad. You just let me be.) You know exactly why -- because I was too honest to LET YOU KNOW how I exactly feel. Since the beginning, I was transparent. You saw how I let my guard down when I was with you then. I was vulnerable. You saw my vulnerability when I was hiding it from the world. Because I choose to believe in you. For making me believe, i owe you that. Thank you.
Remember when I was always trying to dismiss the idea of living today and not in the past and in the future? This is something I learned from you now: I cannot control things. No matter how much I put my effort to avoid things from happening, eventually, it will always lead to something else. Could be something really bad, or better. Either way, I will never control the outcome. Ever.
Also, I don't think as negatively now why? Because I learned how to block the negativities with your help. Remember when I told you I was almost 40% of becoming the positive bubble? I am at my 60 now. Because when I told you I am really slow into making a progress, I mean it. And I still believe it's better than nothing at all. You once told me "hindi na ako magbabago" and I am not in the position to tell you otherwise because it was you who didn't believe in me in the first place. I believe you got tired and you have all the right in the world to get tired.
But you know how much I loved you? Even when I was tired every night from work and I have to go all the way to you, I don't mind. Because again, at the end of the day, I know it's gonna be worth it. I know somehow, we felt the same tiredness. We know at some point, at the end of the day, it's going to be worth it. Or somehow, I was the only one believing na lang. I don't know. At this point, it doesn't matter anymore. I may be the laziest person, not-a-morning person, scared of slides person you know, but you know, beneath all those "unkindness" you once told me, I was just a broken person, afraid of getting hurt, of getting rejected.
I always tell you I have my flaws, I always tell you sometimes, I don't know what I was doing and I was in need of being reminded. And I would always ask if you're still happy. And I mean that. I know it's a lot of work, but man, ang bagal lang talaga ng progress ko. And I apologize if you got tired of waiting. From the deepest part of my heart, I apologize for my mistakes. I will admit that I am not the perfect person. But thank you for pointing that out to me. Without your encouragement, I wouldn't make it. To be honest.
I am not a religious person. But I once read that it's okay to get angry and question God because it's our nature. It's human nature. I will not hide the fact that I once blamed him because I almost died and did not see that He just saved me from an accident. With your first and last words about God, thank you. My friends quoted me tirelessly of His words and I believed that. Even if sometimes, I still don't understand how He works. But we'll get to that later in this post..
DESPITE ALL THESE...
Unlike my pasts, I don't regret what we had. What we used to share. I don't regret giving you 80% of my lunch because it's you. I may not like some part of your personality, I may not agree with some of your values, (hence my dislike with some people in your circle) but it doesn't mean I loved you less. But I meant when I said, I will choose all your flaws, your dark skin, your curly hair, your imperfect personality, your ginger feet -- technically, ALL OF YOUR NEGATIVE sides no matter how I find you stressful because I knew then, you were perfect. And you know that. Your candid photos? It cracks me up. If this isn't love, then I don't know how we should call this. I apologize if you felt otherwise. I guess, there were so many things happening all at once that time. I apologize if I hurt you along the way. I apologize for so many things. I apologize if you find me harsh, but it's just me, being honest and I apologize for all the pain I caused you. I apologize I was selfish of your time. I apologize I forgot we are two individual people. I apologize for crossing the line. And I hope someday, you'll forgive me. Please know that I want your happiness more than anything else. And I apologize if I robbed you away of that happiness. I just wish you were honest to me back then.
How much do I love you then? That I gave you what you deserve. Even if that means I will lose that only person I prayed to stay when we're in St. Jude or in Baclaran. Every single time. Believe me or not.
Angelica Panganiban in Exes Baggage told Carlo Aquino: "kung natatakot kang magmahal ulit after mong masaktan, hindi ka totoong nagmahal" I find it true. Because of you, I am not afraid to love anymore. Because you proved me that love exist. Every little magic it has, is true. It was with you when I experienced love without butterflies in my stomach. It was with you when I experienced grass is really awesome in the afternoon sun. Stars are shiny at night when they're almost not visible to the naked eye - because we believe it's there. Sometimes, I look at the sky and see our star. And I smile, because all the things I refused to believe once, I believe now. I know love is something that one person should feel but also another thing to believe. These are ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. God gave you to me, to believe. To start believing. No matter how long it takes me.
I also hope you find the happiness you deserve.
