1:29 AM POST

Ang lousy ng title. Halatang walang maisip. Hindi pinag-isipan.

Kakatapos ko lang maglaba. Hindi naman ako napagod. Considering I slept for five hours yesterday, I was hoping to sleep earlier than 11pm last night. But I didn't. Maybe because of Sting Energy Drink I had earlier kasi I was too sleepy!

I will allow 30 minutes of my "awake" time to post here. I wanna say Dear Diary, but it's not nice to read that way. Hindi naman din pwedeng Dear Blog because I will sound literal. Public blogs aren't supposed to sound like an escape to reality. I don't know. You cannot lie in here naman din, and tell people how happy you were yesterday because you saw your crush and shared seat sa Mini Stop. I guess it doesn't work that way. Number one because I don't have a crush. Number two, I didn't go to Mini Stop to sit and ponder and eat and number three, I am not happy.


I want to write about happy things. I want to create characters and color them lively. But I can't do that all the time. I don't know what "being me" feels like anymore. That, as a matter of fact is an explanation of why I post so little in my cyber-home. There's nothing to post. There's nothing to say. There's nothing else to see. I guess I was busy finding myself again.

I never felt this sad for a long time. The truth is, I don't like to share these sentiments because most of my friends are aware about this blog already. But what can I do? I cannot just abandon this blog because I am hiding in my closet. So, hello!

I wanna go back to being a kid. Where running is okay, and you hide from your friends, hoping they won't notice you hiding behind your father's jeep. Lots of swearing because kids in your neighborhood are just like that and people around you don't mind because you're just being a kid. You sweat but you don't care because running at 4PM outside makes you free and happy. You don't get tired, you get upset over a silly two peso coin you dropped because you're riding your brother's BMX.

I don't remember much about my childhood. I remember having a gay best friend. I remember getting into fights and he was my back up. I remember riding my brother's bike so much and crushing on Jeff Evangelista. He still lives here but I don't see much of him today. I remember dancing "Quit Playing Games" in the street with my friends and from time to time, we held practices in the afternoon at home. I enjoy visiting my friends' houses after school when I was in elementary. Jennifer Param was my best friend in elementary. Hinahanap namin ang mga bahay ng crush namin sa Batangas Street noon.

Everything else? I don't remember. Or if my sister mention some stories from the past, then I'll remember. Sabi ng ate ko, wala akong pakialam kasi. But I don't think that's true. I guess I don't play much. Ganun nga ba? I draw, I read. I play video games, I don't remember. Maybe it's good that I don't remember things na rin dahil ayoko naman din na nasa isip ko yung mga bagay na nakapagpalungkot sa akin in the past.

Today, I can't run because I am chubby. (I'd like to say it that way) I get into fights sometimes and there's no one to back me up. I still ride a bike and it's my father's. Hindi ako nakalayo gamit yun kasi laging nasisira yung pedal. I don't have a crush on Jeff anymore. I still dance. With friends sometimes. And it's nothing serious. No steps to follow. Kaya may plan kami ng sister ko to buy XBOX Kinect. When I hide from my friends, I feel guilty. I swear because I am mad and IF my neighbor hear any of my swearing, chismis na agad yan! I am tired most of the time. When I sweat, kulang na lang I pass out. And I am upset because I filed my leave last week pero nadeduct sa akin. What's the point of having this benefit if I don't have an option whether to use it or not? These thousand-peso worth of absences gets deducted pa din naman and I will get the money at the end of the year. I would LOVE to drop a two-peso coin and get sad about it.

Change is the only permanent thing in this world. I'll keep that in mind forever.