When it's that time of the day I am trying to figure out what the hell I really want to do. I wanna try amigurumi, I wanna do handlettering (which I already spent some good amount of money buying calligraphy/brush pens, and a book just to put an end to my very little progress) i wanna join bazaars so I can sell some of the keychains I made and sell stuff to the people I think I share the same interests. I wanna go back to drawing but I stopped after filling the first page of my sketchbook. I wanna join the hiphop class in the office every Thursday. I wanna go back to playing badminton, I wanna be a samurai (because they're cool), I wanna plant trees, I wanna be in a rescue team, I wanna join SWAT, I wanna be a vampire, I wanna smash a zombie's head and there are sooo many I wanna do's right now.
There were days when I'm so happy I want to do things and I plan them in my head and discuss it excitedly and make a list and sleep. But when I wake up the next morning, there's my default blank thoughts doing the same routine - wake up really tired, ride the stressful LRT, wait for the cramped shuttle going to MOA Complex, walk, wait for the elevator, sit in front of my computer and think: what the hell am I doing with my life? What the hell am I doing here? How the hell did I arrive here? Like I teleported from nowhere. But let's be honest. Somehow, we've been through here. And no kidding, it happened to me already. When I plugged my electric fan in the office, I realized how did I get in here? I told no one about this not until today. And for two straight days now, I am feeling depressed and unproductive. The more I try to figure out what's happening to me and unable to get REASONABLE answers, I am sinking into the same blank hole again.
Sometimes I cry. Not because I am a coward but my heart is really heavy and that's the only way to get a decent 4-hour sleep. And recently, I noticed that when I pray at night, I don't finish my prayer anymore. You know why? Tulog na kasi ako. Last Saturday, nagising ako in the middle of my sleep dahil sa paglalakad ng mga tao sa taas, I thought it was noon already only to find out at that it was 5:21 in the morning! Pagod na pagod ako that night. And I was furious. I want to shout and throw myself out the window but instead, I prayed. I am not a religious person but I believe in Him. I just said, please put me into a deep sleep so I wouldnt hear a thing. I woke up 1PM after that prayer.
Tonight, I will pray. And thank Him because I am loved despite my sadness. I may not know what I really wanna do right now but things will be better soon. Malalaman ko din kung ano bang gusto kong gawin bukod sa pagdedesign at sa kagustuhan kong maging samurai.
I am feeling better now. Goodnight world!
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