MARRY ME AT MARRIOTT

Surprisingly, I am extremely happy to be part of this awesome event. It was one hell of a night! I have so much to say about this night and the days prior to this event but I'll update this post some other time. For the meantime, I am really proud to be with my Manila Marriott Marketing Communications team. Sharing you my favorite photo of us. Jhei is still in the US as of this writing. :)

I promised an update so for the love of this blog, here it is. It was a tiring event for me but I managed to get through the night. It was a sit down dinner. The boss decided to make our lives a little easy and besides, it was Robby Carmona who'll be directing the show soooo - eazypeezy!

I was anxious a few hours before the event. Because one, I didn't prepare for this. Although I have the suit from last year's, I am basically just going to show up again wearing the same suit. But just to be safe, (I learned this from my ID class) I brought my black and white polo. Two, I have soooo much stuff to do back in the office. Promotions, Christmas brochure, digital signage updates, etc. And it's already August! A few more months to go, December na! Hala! And three, Let's just say that, that's the reason I can't get out of the holding room because I was too damn nervous. And booooy, I know it was all worth it after braving the fact that I have no choice but to get out and yeah, it was a few seconds slow mo for the both of us. OJTs can tell how nervous I was, they laugh their asses off. Thank God I nailed the all-black-look last night + the biglaan make up. I wrote myself a card congratulating myself and saying I deserve the most beautiful face of the night award. Char! Fourth, it was my first time to put on a make up. Thank you George of Jessi Mendez and to Ms. Mitch for sponsoring it! Awesome! (I was actually asking everyone if my falsies are still okay. Can you believe that? Oh my God!) Five, officemates are staring at me I want to wash my face and hide in the corner. I swear to God it was awkward and beautiful at the same time.

One funny comment I received was from the Cluster Director of Finance, elbowing Hope asking who I was and saying "ang ganda ganda pala nyan. Sabihin mo sa kanya wag syang titibo tibo!" We laughed and I wanna die the next morning! When I visited Elijah the next day to give our gift for them, she said "inlove na inlove kami sayo kagabi tas ngayon balik ikaw na naman yan!" I'm not sure if these are compliments but I think it's hilarious! I gained Instagram followers the next day.

The show was beautiful! My favorite designer is Rosenthal Tee. I swear, I am not a fan of gowns but I'll wear her gown. But I am still not wearing gown. But if it's Rosenthal's I'll wear it. Or probably not. But I love her designs! She totally rocked the show last night! The music, the simplicity of the stage, the elegance of her gowns. I swear. It was just sooooo beautiful. I also appreciate the fact that we have a bigger media platform, everyone in the media can set up their tripods without bumping into each other's elbows. And we can sit pa in front. I am extremely proud of my team. I ran out of words for it but I am extremely glad I am a part of this company.

I would probably tie the knot in Marriott (if okay na dito) because of this show and the awkwardness and that exchange of glances. ITWASSOHIGHSCHOOLYIAMHAVINGGOOSEBUMPSOHMYGOD! For now, I'll post this and tomorrow, I'll upload photos from last night's event. See ya!

A TRIP DOWN THE MEMORY LANE

*7 year old Caroline tripped from her bicycle apparently learning how to balance without the training wheels when the scene turns into her mom treating her wound

Caroline: Mommy am I gonna die?
Liz: I would say your chance of survival are 100 percent.
Caroline: Are you gonna die?
Liz: Well, everyone dies eventually, sweetie but not for a long long time
Caroline: But what if you die and I'm still here?
Liz: But then you will be all grown up and then you will not need me.*

It kicked me hard. I cried, I got up and showered. And now I am writing this with a hot milk in front of me. The 6th season of The Vampire Diaries is so depressing it's worth binge watching. My emotions spiralled when Caroline's mother diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died at the end of episode 14. Liz was with Damon in her bedside and went into coma while Caroline was busy preparing for her mom's surprise, apparently, to make her comfortable in her last remaining days, I guess a few miles from home. I think it was Elena's family cabin in the woods.

Upon hearing the news, Caroline rushed to the hospital only to miss the last few seconds of Liz's heart monitor beeping. She arrived late saying she should be there with her. Stefan suggested to say goodbye to her mom through her dreams, which the vampires are capable of doing especially on the latter's final moments.

TODAY

I wasn't able to say goodbye to my Mom when she died 27 years ago. As of this writing, I have about less than 10 memories of her and it sucks I have fewer memories of her being alive than her death and the days after that and those days when me and my younger sister were left alone in the house with lola or sometimes to my aunt sa kabilang bahay. It hurts so much today because she died while me and my siblings were young.

I cant imagine how my family felt when they are needed in the hospital. While the 7 year old me was scared and wants her Ate to go home already. Writing about this, I realized I dont remember anything after me and my sister wakes up in the morning realizing another day has to be endured without them at home. I can still remember how it felt. I still remember being sad. My sister was just 6 years old then but I remember her being jolly and playful, if my memory serves me right. And after I feel that sadness in the morning, all I can remember now is the relief in my Ate's arms. Tig-isa pa kami ng bunso namin sa kamay ng ate ko. So para syang nakadipa na nakahiga. We do that to hold her so she wouldnt have to go to the office anymore. And then we will wake up with that same sadness again and again and again because she left for work.

I forgot how it ended. And then another memory rushed in. My Dad told me Mommy's coming home later that night. He fetched us in the school and then I even said Ill eat pandesal so I would get fat when Mommy see me. After that, I cant remember much. And then I think that night, she arrived home. Sleeping. Bloated. Her head, wrapped but the face isnt. I remember they covered the mirror in the cabinet with a blanket. There, she was lying in the bed with me and my sister. I guess we were both excited. We had a picture of that moment with her. I was smiling. My little sister toothless and smiling with calamine all over her face. Me and my little sister wasn't aware that she was gone. For good.

The next thing I remember now was when a colleague of my uncle asked me where the CR was. Hindi ko pa alam yun noon. So that was when I knew about the word comfort room. At my mom's funeral. The next thing i remember it was the day of her burial. I didnt cry. Oh wait. I did. Once. My head down, sipping sprite in plastic. It was caught in camera. Me with my head down. Remember when my little sister was jolly and playful when they're still in the hospital? She cried the most that day of my Mom's burial.

This is the last vivid memory I had with my Mom: she fell down. I just looked at her. My Dad helped her up and asked kung anong nangyari. She just said papaliguan nya lang kami. I think she was losing it that time.

It hurts now that I dont remember much about her. And that I remember that I wasnt able to say goodbye to her properly. That you thought she's coming home okay. That she will spend the next of her 40 years yelling at us. It hurts now that after watching that episode, I want to see her in my dreams. Talk to her just one last time and ask how she is. O kung naiisip ba nya kami kahit hindi sya nagigising.

I never cried so much until today. And maybe i disagree with Liz there. That even at this age, I need her. I don't know what it's like to have a mom. I have my family. My dad and my siblings and pamangkins but I am kind of distant. I choose to. I stay away from any emotional involvement and I hate crying. Forgive me for being emotional today. Losing a loved one is just too much to bear even after 27 years especially when you thought you're going to spend the rest of your days with your mom. Maybe I'll tell her this when I see her again: "how could you leave us? I know we're all better now but things could've turned differenly when you're around."

Fuck drama. Always.

INTERIOR DESIGNER'S HAVEN

I am always fascinated with homey interiors, I get excited by just going in and take pictures. I am being bullied to post more photos but because of the little time I have during the day (and not to mention, to spend minimal amount of time online) I'll post these favorites for now. Due to insistent demand, and I rarely want to have my photograph taken inside a public place, sige I'll give in -- just please stop 58+ viber messages at night!

We found ourselves in this cozy coffee place. Being used to Coffee Bean and Starbucks, we both agreed to see what's inside. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! I mean, MY ideal interior design. MY ideal coffee place. MY SAFE HAVEN. I once went to a branch in Cavite only to use the restroom. Pero ngayon, there is a reason to stay. I mean, laptop na lang ang kulang I can literally live in this place already. Please excuse my ka-OAan but we love the place so much, we are willing to spend an entire day just to watch an entire barangay of students come and go.

She told me I look like Carlo here. Only my face is flat and round and chinese-y. How do I even look like Carlo when the description is 25,000 miles far? Oh, what Meet Me in St. Gallen can do to a girl? Ugh.

But to tell you honestly, I always need to snooze a couple of times daily because of fatigue. But on a lighter side of things, we are both physically active. More me pala. And I was bullied, forced, borderline illegal to participate in Take Care program hahaha! To be honest, I love it. I am looking forward to it now. Going back to Interior Design, I love how all these things complement each other. Technically speaking, Coffee Project is an Interior Designer's masterpiece.

Trivia: The decor (below, right side) took me about 15 minutes to make. You may see this photo as simple and very easy to do but I am telling you that it's not. A normal person will see these as five random objects, random decors in a layer or possibly a weird upside down box in the foreground with four other random decors around it. This is how I see it now: THE PRINCIPLE OF CONTRAST means two opposing elements - I chose lines and curves with an organic touch. Balanced in subtle wooden texture and neutral colors. Trust me, there are faaar more complicated elements to choose from. To be honest, I played this one safe. I didn't choose fun colors because I thought it's easier not to use the color theory. Guess what? Medyo hard talaga sya beks!

#mindblown #nosebleed #earbleed #eyebleed  #technicalfoul #hindinaakouulit #aputolakamayhindiatakbo #medyonastressyungartistinme #graphicdesignbakamo #walayansaloloko #thebasicsofstyling #basicpalangyan #kamustanamanyunginteriordecoratorsnghomemagazines #interiordesign #interiorstyling #decorating101 #interiorshiz

The left side of the image shows how careful I am for choosing the colors I am posting on Instagram because of this class. I have a recent post which is the Carlo-ish photo of mine, and it's too yellow, not following my standard color palettes! And I am at war with myself if I should delete it or not. Now my dilemma is this: for the next weeks, I need to post photos with yellow tones to make my feed beautiful. I don't like it when I criticize myself because of color palettes.

I have to go for now. Duty calls.

COURAGE

To you. I am not sure if I am at that point of you know what but you're a million other things. Thank you for saving me, thank you for opening that small glimpse of hope that I thought will be gone. This excitement is powerful enough to drive me through positivity of your mere presence. I don't know where this will lead in the next months but please know that I find the importance of TODAY. You bring peace to my soul and that's enough already. 

I WILL LOVE YOU IN LETTING YOU GO

I have understood the way this will go. I have grasped that you and I are on different pages, chasing different dreams. I have seen the ways that we have fallen into rhythm together, and the ways we have drifted apart. I have accepted that you came into my life for a specific period of time—a lesson, a blessing that was not meant for more than temporary.

I have learned that loving you means letting you leave.

As much as I’ve wished to change our stories, to rewrite our patterns, to create different endings than the one you’ve made, I realize now that you were always looking to head down a different path. No matter the amount of kisses and moments and words we exchanged, your heart was tied elsewhere. You never believed in what I did, never really had the faith that we would become something bigger. And I’ve accepted that.

Watching you walk away has taught me that sometimes people leave, and sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you cannot convince them to stay. And you shouldn’t have to.

I could whisper sweet words. I could scream. I could run after you with open arms, begging you to walk back into my life. I could cry and kick and cause a fuss, just to have you turn around and talk to me. But ultimately, you know where you want to be. And that isn’t with me. And I’m okay with that.

I’ve learned that sometimes love does not look the way we want it to. Sometimes we give our everything to people who do not return their hearts to us. Sometimes we dream of something bigger, something real, only to be left chasing shadows, grabbing ahold of whatever we can before it slips between our fingertips.

I’ve learned that sometimes you can care so much for a person, but you still drift apart. Because you are looking for answers in someone who does not even care to know your question. Because they themselves are searching for something else, something that does not resemble you.

And so, I have learned that sometimes loving is synonymous with leaving. With watching as someone walks away, finds their own path, own story, own hands to hold.

Sometimes love is the same as letting go.

And so I will love you in letting go. I will love you by giving you the freedom to do what you wish and chase what makes you feel light and free. I will smile as you turn and step away from me, into the arms of someone who, perhaps, can care for you differently than I could. Who, perhaps, is what you’ve unconsciously been looking for, every time your lips met mine.

I will love you in exhaling. In releasing all our memories and remembering them for what they were—beautiful and fleeting. I will accept that you are no longer a part of my present story, but care for you with a distance, a healthy separation.

I will love you in your leaving.

I love you because this is what you want and need, and who am I to tell you any differently? I will love you as we find ourselves in different stories. I will love you as you find your way, far away from me.

So often we think of love as present, as tangible, as right in front of us. But detaching from you has taught me otherwise—sometimes love is what we lose.

And we learn to love in a different way, learn to love by letting someone leave, by accepting their impermanence in our lives and acknowledging that they will always be a part of our hearts, even if they are no longer ours to keep. 

TIME

Funny tho, I have more time to spare this month. And it's been really good. Not entirely because I have to be creative every night. Maybe God gave me more of this time to reflect and take life easy. I am not rushing anymore. I am embracing time now than almost a year ago. Maybe it's also His will that a lot of things happened this month giving me what I dislike the most -- TIME.

I have a love-hate relationship with time. If you're one of my avid readers from way back, you will remember that I always complain about time. I said sometimes, I don't remember how I got to a place and how much I want to stop it. But the thing is, you cannot stop it. It's a painful truth. And also, it's really good to make out of the little time you have left in your remaining 5.5 hours after work (assuming you'll sleep around 11:30PM) can you just imagine how tiring it was for me? Counting hours and chasing after it. Ugh. I still count. But I am embracing it now. And boy it's true that 5.5 hours is still a loooot of time. You know why? Because I allowed more of this for myself. For someone who's time-conscious freak, this is something that I didnt realize for the past 32 years. I also forgot about myself, I realized I was chasing the time for the wrong reasons.

ON ACCIDENT

I experienced my first and (I'm claiming it) my last vehicular accident last March. A taxi hit the side mirror of my motorbike and I fell on the pavement hard. I was so scared. I can't explain the feeling but it felt like God dropped me just like that. What if it was a truck. What if that was a jeep? What if napailalim ako? I could've died. I was scared. My mind was rushing I don't know what to do. I was shaking. I wanted to cry that morning. I was helpless. I was hurt. I sleep with lights on because whenever I close my eyes, I see the accident. Sounds OA ba? It's the truth. Totoo pala ang ganun at hindi lang sa movies. After a week, I regained my confidence. Thank God. I failed to recognize that the accident was a blessing and God still protected me from death. I didn't see it at first kasi napangunahan ako ng takot. I have so little faith that time.

ON TRAVEL

I was able to retrieve my Blogger password last week after soooo many painful tries. I can't remember how but finally, I was able to get it. So, it's been 2 years since my last serious update. I went to Tokyo last month. I seriously want to blog about the nitty gritty of that painful itinerary but it was soooo tedious and I am kind of lazy to that now. It was a tiring trip. We went to Tokyo Disney Sea. Got lost. Got tired. Had an emotional breakdown because I was waiting for someone to open the AirBNB apartment for me. I was waiting outside the house for about 3+ hours. Enduring the 10° cold, wind (typhoon-like) and hunger. Let's add the fact that there was a lady who shooed me away because she cannot understand English. It was heartbreaking. She locked her door like I was a beggar. It was intense. I wanted to cry. IT. WAS. INTENSE. Unforgettable. I wouldn't want to be the "guide" next time. It was fun but not fun. On a good note, another thing crossed off the bucket list!

We booked a flight to Singapore this year and we're going to Legoland Malaysia and Universal Studios! It was a spur of the moment decision. Is it? I think we were both impulsive on this but it's okay. (I am thinking now to add check-in baggage, haha! Kasi I thought about the chocolate mascot in Universal Studios. Medyo weird ako sa part na yun.)

AAAAND ANOTHER IMPULSIVE DECISION

Yup. I have another one of this. But it's on me. I pursued my long-time dream of becoming an Interior Designer. Char! Well. Sort of. I mean, God opened an opportunity. It was there! The schedule is pretty much for me and without blinking an eye, I did it. I enrolled. I hope it's going to be okay. Actually, I know it's going to be okay. God wouldn't present this opportunity if this isn't for me.

ON UNDERSTANDING THE UNEXPLAINABLE

Haha! When I was in college, me and Cielo went to a Christian Church in front of the school because we want to spend our long breaks playing board games. We were drawn into it! We went inside and a couple of people welcomed us, asked us to sit down and talked to us like we were drug pushers wanting to turn our lives around and seek God. They started praying with palms above our heads. And I said, I am never going to enter this establishment again. Super awkward. I attended Victory Church about four weeks ago. It was good! No one welcomed me to start asking for personal stuff and no pray-overs! It was a breathe of fresh air! No offense to the Catholic Church but Christian Churches are more engaging and they can explain things the way I wanted to understand it. My first thought after the service was: "why didn't I attend before?" And many more whys after that. :-)

One more thing. I realized I was reading the hard version of the bible that's why I cannot understand it! I switched to NIV. It's all good now.

CLOSING

I think I need to change my mattress. Ang sakit sa likod super. I just finished coding. Since when it become a headache? 

THIS IS IT!

I promised to post when I have time. Fast forward to December 2017 when I am at my busiest, I finally decided to update this blog. Yay! A few new updates, I am no longer part of the awesome SMDC Marketing Team for a year already. Has it been a year? Time flies so fast. Like yesterday was my last blog update and I almost forgot that I still have this cyberspace. Anyhoo, yeah. I resigned a year ago. Funny though, my last blog update says I began to feel that I actually existed, ladies and gentlemen!

I was excited because I get to do more and I got promoted! Yes, my first and would probably the last promotion I will ever have. This isn't a negative thing because honestly, I don't see myself climbing up the top management not becausoe I lack ambition. But I'd rather enjoy the simple life without the pain of dealing with stressful people. Believe me, I am no longer the grumpiest. I may have mood swings now and then, but nuts, I can control some of them already. I choose not to get angry over simple things. I can finally let go of things I know will make me angry and I am proud of it. I can handle difficult people now and probably some of them don't like me and I just don't care. I mean really, you are not being paid millions of pesos to care, right? And besides, like I said, life isn't about work. Yes, it feeds you. It can buy you things you like but life won't revolve around it. Sure, I spend about almost 10 hours a day in the office but that's how it is. Because you need to survive. You need to work to provide for your family.

I left SMDC with a heavy heart. Things aren't the same anymore but it happens to all of us. Una-unahan lang maexperience, parang ganun. I miss my friends. I miss my colleagues. I miss my funny team. Sure, there were times I want to throw a stapler at their faces, punch, shout at them and again, I realized now that, that's how it really is. Like when you're at home. You get angry and frustrated with your family. And it also happen in the workplace. I miss them. As of this writing, I still miss them. I haven't properly thanked these awesome people for teaching me valuable things in life as well as being in the design and events field. To my SMDC Marketing Team -- thank you! You've all been good to me even if I became the subject of your bullying. I know it's because I am the bunso and yeah, yeah I was cute and you all can't get enough of me. I get it. Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I can possibly be.

Sir Betsbo, Ms. Toni, Emil, Sir Ali, Migs and Allan

Tonight, I have this feeling that I want to let go of the past. I still find it hard but one step at a time. I am starting to sort all my stuff at home and filling this medium sized box of the things I want to get rid of and then I realized, i don't want to hold back anymore. I am a very sentimental person believe me. I try to find a reason to keep things (even people) but now, I don't think it matters anymore. I still keep my toys. I still keep most of them. But as you age, it's true that you'll choose the things you need and the experiences to keep you happy.

I prayed for this for the longest tiiiime my friend. I stay away from things and stories that will make me furious. I choose to stay away from Facebook as much as possible. It's that one thing that I've been praying for. That peace. I am probably about 30 to 40% at peace but it's better than no progress at all.

Enuf of the drama, friends. The past year has been rough and beautiful. I know it's going to be that way, 365 days. I'll end this year thanking the universe, God, for all these. I want to ask for two things next year: keep me alive and my loved ones safe.

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL: YAY I'M GROWING UP!

Well, this is probably the least blog post you'll expect from me but no, this isn't about my life in general because finally, I have been (and struggling!) trying to grow up in corporate world. Yup. Work related.

For years (since 2010), I was accustomed to the idea of sitting in front of my computer, waiting for Job Orders and try to impress every single people with my minimalist approach to design and layout. Haha! Kidding. But you get the idea. Very corporate. I waited for this opportunity! To get my hands on design software while I was just a Project Coordinator then. You know, processing of payments, tracking of every single movement of Job Orders, answering senseless phone calls and the likes. And at that point, I hated it.

FAST FORWARD TO 2016

For six years now, I am still that designer without the paper works and I loved every single moment of it. But all these years, parang may kulang. Parang I want more. But how? What is it? Until recently, My team was assigned with more responsibilities. Including paper works. Oh God.

Each one of us has specialization. Me and Allan, handles shoots and design agencies (print ads, etc.) Migs, renders and booths. Emil with design agencies too and Sir Bobet on fences and OOH. To tell you honestly, I kind of seem to like it now. Although it drains me to talk with lots of people, I can still manage to get through it. And right now, I am handling shoot. And I just had my first budget approved last week! Haha! Medyo ang saya. Or dahil bago pa lang ako ulit dito? But all those years of experience, and how much I hated very little information on emails, I managed to apply my experience by sending them very specific information. So no more questions asked. Kung meron man, very minimal na lang.

Honestly, I don't like being asked for updates. It's good that we have Project List meetings and updates. No need to be asked. We just send everything and that's good. And it's really helpful.

I have to go for now. I'll update when I have the time again. :)

A TRIP THAT STARTED THE YEAR

Lagi kong sinasabi, another thing off the bucket list! :-) I don't buy souvenirs because these used tickets, couple of bills from the country I visited are priceless already. But if I can't help it, I would spend more than 30 minutes holding a souvenir item from Disneyland. It's expensive, but it's worth the time na nagpabalik balik ako at paulit ulit na tinitignan yung price tag. Wala dito nun e. There are so many things I would like to say about my experience abroad pero sa susunod na post na lang. Haha!

WIP - WATCH ME NAE NAE

Ang labo ng title. Parang ako pag may PMS. Hay.

WORK IN PROGRESS KASI!

So! A little miracle happened this week when we had our weekly design meeting with our boss. Gusto na nya ng colorful sa 2016 SMDC Calendar. I want to make it different this time. I didn't use any of our existing photos from our library but I vectorized the buildings and added little/simple details just to fill lang the canvas.

I recycled some items from my previous work -- the LRT, Coca Cola cup and the trees. I made them for Mezza II Residences' vicinity map (2013) na hindi naapprove. Kung papalarin, baka maisama na tong mga to dito. (Lord, sana po maapprove kasi full po ang effort ko dito. As in. Lumilevel sa dugo't pawis. Ganern.)

Sana maapprove. :)

Yun lang ang panalangin ko ngayon para hindi ako umiyak. Haha!