I WILL LOVE YOU IN LETTING YOU GO

I have understood the way this will go. I have grasped that you and I are on different pages, chasing different dreams. I have seen the ways that we have fallen into rhythm together, and the ways we have drifted apart. I have accepted that you came into my life for a specific period of time—a lesson, a blessing that was not meant for more than temporary.

I have learned that loving you means letting you leave.

As much as I’ve wished to change our stories, to rewrite our patterns, to create different endings than the one you’ve made, I realize now that you were always looking to head down a different path. No matter the amount of kisses and moments and words we exchanged, your heart was tied elsewhere. You never believed in what I did, never really had the faith that we would become something bigger. And I’ve accepted that.

Watching you walk away has taught me that sometimes people leave, and sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you cannot convince them to stay. And you shouldn’t have to.

I could whisper sweet words. I could scream. I could run after you with open arms, begging you to walk back into my life. I could cry and kick and cause a fuss, just to have you turn around and talk to me. But ultimately, you know where you want to be. And that isn’t with me. And I’m okay with that.

I’ve learned that sometimes love does not look the way we want it to. Sometimes we give our everything to people who do not return their hearts to us. Sometimes we dream of something bigger, something real, only to be left chasing shadows, grabbing ahold of whatever we can before it slips between our fingertips.

I’ve learned that sometimes you can care so much for a person, but you still drift apart. Because you are looking for answers in someone who does not even care to know your question. Because they themselves are searching for something else, something that does not resemble you.

And so, I have learned that sometimes loving is synonymous with leaving. With watching as someone walks away, finds their own path, own story, own hands to hold.

Sometimes love is the same as letting go.

And so I will love you in letting go. I will love you by giving you the freedom to do what you wish and chase what makes you feel light and free. I will smile as you turn and step away from me, into the arms of someone who, perhaps, can care for you differently than I could. Who, perhaps, is what you’ve unconsciously been looking for, every time your lips met mine.

I will love you in exhaling. In releasing all our memories and remembering them for what they were—beautiful and fleeting. I will accept that you are no longer a part of my present story, but care for you with a distance, a healthy separation.

I will love you in your leaving.

I love you because this is what you want and need, and who am I to tell you any differently? I will love you as we find ourselves in different stories. I will love you as you find your way, far away from me.

So often we think of love as present, as tangible, as right in front of us. But detaching from you has taught me otherwise—sometimes love is what we lose.

And we learn to love in a different way, learn to love by letting someone leave, by accepting their impermanence in our lives and acknowledging that they will always be a part of our hearts, even if they are no longer ours to keep. 

TIME

Funny tho, I have more time to spare this month. And it's been really good. Not entirely because I have to be creative every night. Maybe God gave me more of this time to reflect and take life easy. I am not rushing anymore. I am embracing time now than almost a year ago. Maybe it's also His will that a lot of things happened this month giving me what I dislike the most -- TIME.

I have a love-hate relationship with time. If you're one of my avid readers from way back, you will remember that I always complain about time. I said sometimes, I don't remember how I got to a place and how much I want to stop it. But the thing is, you cannot stop it. It's a painful truth. And also, it's really good to make out of the little time you have left in your remaining 5.5 hours after work (assuming you'll sleep around 11:30PM) can you just imagine how tiring it was for me? Counting hours and chasing after it. Ugh. I still count. But I am embracing it now. And boy it's true that 5.5 hours is still a loooot of time. You know why? Because I allowed more of this for myself. For someone who's time-conscious freak, this is something that I didnt realize for the past 32 years. I also forgot about myself, I realized I was chasing the time for the wrong reasons.

ON ACCIDENT

I experienced my first and (I'm claiming it) my last vehicular accident last March. A taxi hit the side mirror of my motorbike and I fell on the pavement hard. I was so scared. I can't explain the feeling but it felt like God dropped me just like that. What if it was a truck. What if that was a jeep? What if napailalim ako? I could've died. I was scared. My mind was rushing I don't know what to do. I was shaking. I wanted to cry that morning. I was helpless. I was hurt. I sleep with lights on because whenever I close my eyes, I see the accident. Sounds OA ba? It's the truth. Totoo pala ang ganun at hindi lang sa movies. After a week, I regained my confidence. Thank God. I failed to recognize that the accident was a blessing and God still protected me from death. I didn't see it at first kasi napangunahan ako ng takot. I have so little faith that time.

ON TRAVEL

I was able to retrieve my Blogger password last week after soooo many painful tries. I can't remember how but finally, I was able to get it. So, it's been 2 years since my last serious update. I went to Tokyo last month. I seriously want to blog about the nitty gritty of that painful itinerary but it was soooo tedious and I am kind of lazy to that now. It was a tiring trip. We went to Tokyo Disney Sea. Got lost. Got tired. Had an emotional breakdown because I was waiting for someone to open the AirBNB apartment for me. I was waiting outside the house for about 3+ hours. Enduring the 10° cold, wind (typhoon-like) and hunger. Let's add the fact that there was a lady who shooed me away because she cannot understand English. It was heartbreaking. She locked her door like I was a beggar. It was intense. I wanted to cry. IT. WAS. INTENSE. Unforgettable. I wouldn't want to be the "guide" next time. It was fun but not fun. On a good note, another thing crossed off the bucket list!

We booked a flight to Singapore this year and we're going to Legoland Malaysia and Universal Studios! It was a spur of the moment decision. Is it? I think we were both impulsive on this but it's okay. (I am thinking now to add check-in baggage, haha! Kasi I thought about the chocolate mascot in Universal Studios. Medyo weird ako sa part na yun.)

AAAAND ANOTHER IMPULSIVE DECISION

Yup. I have another one of this. But it's on me. I pursued my long-time dream of becoming an Interior Designer. Char! Well. Sort of. I mean, God opened an opportunity. It was there! The schedule is pretty much for me and without blinking an eye, I did it. I enrolled. I hope it's going to be okay. Actually, I know it's going to be okay. God wouldn't present this opportunity if this isn't for me.

ON UNDERSTANDING THE UNEXPLAINABLE

Haha! When I was in college, me and Cielo went to a Christian Church in front of the school because we want to spend our long breaks playing board games. We were drawn into it! We went inside and a couple of people welcomed us, asked us to sit down and talked to us like we were drug pushers wanting to turn our lives around and seek God. They started praying with palms above our heads. And I said, I am never going to enter this establishment again. Super awkward. I attended Victory Church about four weeks ago. It was good! No one welcomed me to start asking for personal stuff and no pray-overs! It was a breathe of fresh air! No offense to the Catholic Church but Christian Churches are more engaging and they can explain things the way I wanted to understand it. My first thought after the service was: "why didn't I attend before?" And many more whys after that. :-)

One more thing. I realized I was reading the hard version of the bible that's why I cannot understand it! I switched to NIV. It's all good now.

CLOSING

I think I need to change my mattress. Ang sakit sa likod super. I just finished coding. Since when it become a headache? 

THIS IS IT!

I promised to post when I have time. Fast forward to December 2017 when I am at my busiest, I finally decided to update this blog. Yay! A few new updates, I am no longer part of the awesome SMDC Marketing Team for a year already. Has it been a year? Time flies so fast. Like yesterday was my last blog update and I almost forgot that I still have this cyberspace. Anyhoo, yeah. I resigned a year ago. Funny though, my last blog update says I began to feel that I actually existed, ladies and gentlemen!

I was excited because I get to do more and I got promoted! Yes, my first and would probably the last promotion I will ever have. This isn't a negative thing because honestly, I don't see myself climbing up the top management not becausoe I lack ambition. But I'd rather enjoy the simple life without the pain of dealing with stressful people. Believe me, I am no longer the grumpiest. I may have mood swings now and then, but nuts, I can control some of them already. I choose not to get angry over simple things. I can finally let go of things I know will make me angry and I am proud of it. I can handle difficult people now and probably some of them don't like me and I just don't care. I mean really, you are not being paid millions of pesos to care, right? And besides, like I said, life isn't about work. Yes, it feeds you. It can buy you things you like but life won't revolve around it. Sure, I spend about almost 10 hours a day in the office but that's how it is. Because you need to survive. You need to work to provide for your family.

I left SMDC with a heavy heart. Things aren't the same anymore but it happens to all of us. Una-unahan lang maexperience, parang ganun. I miss my friends. I miss my colleagues. I miss my funny team. Sure, there were times I want to throw a stapler at their faces, punch, shout at them and again, I realized now that, that's how it really is. Like when you're at home. You get angry and frustrated with your family. And it also happen in the workplace. I miss them. As of this writing, I still miss them. I haven't properly thanked these awesome people for teaching me valuable things in life as well as being in the design and events field. To my SMDC Marketing Team -- thank you! You've all been good to me even if I became the subject of your bullying. I know it's because I am the bunso and yeah, yeah I was cute and you all can't get enough of me. I get it. Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I can possibly be.

Sir Betsbo, Ms. Toni, Emil, Sir Ali, Migs and Allan

Tonight, I have this feeling that I want to let go of the past. I still find it hard but one step at a time. I am starting to sort all my stuff at home and filling this medium sized box of the things I want to get rid of and then I realized, i don't want to hold back anymore. I am a very sentimental person believe me. I try to find a reason to keep things (even people) but now, I don't think it matters anymore. I still keep my toys. I still keep most of them. But as you age, it's true that you'll choose the things you need and the experiences to keep you happy.

I prayed for this for the longest tiiiime my friend. I stay away from things and stories that will make me furious. I choose to stay away from Facebook as much as possible. It's that one thing that I've been praying for. That peace. I am probably about 30 to 40% at peace but it's better than no progress at all.

Enuf of the drama, friends. The past year has been rough and beautiful. I know it's going to be that way, 365 days. I'll end this year thanking the universe, God, for all these. I want to ask for two things next year: keep me alive and my loved ones safe.

MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL: YAY I'M GROWING UP!

Well, this is probably the least blog post you'll expect from me but no, this isn't about my life in general because finally, I have been (and struggling!) trying to grow up in corporate world. Yup. Work related.

For years (since 2010), I was accustomed to the idea of sitting in front of my computer, waiting for Job Orders and try to impress every single people with my minimalist approach to design and layout. Haha! Kidding. But you get the idea. Very corporate. I waited for this opportunity! To get my hands on design software while I was just a Project Coordinator then. You know, processing of payments, tracking of every single movement of Job Orders, answering senseless phone calls and the likes. And at that point, I hated it.

FAST FORWARD TO 2016

For six years now, I am still that designer without the paper works and I loved every single moment of it. But all these years, parang may kulang. Parang I want more. But how? What is it? Until recently, My team was assigned with more responsibilities. Including paper works. Oh God.

Each one of us has specialization. Me and Allan, handles shoots and design agencies (print ads, etc.) Migs, renders and booths. Emil with design agencies too and Sir Bobet on fences and OOH. To tell you honestly, I kind of seem to like it now. Although it drains me to talk with lots of people, I can still manage to get through it. And right now, I am handling shoot. And I just had my first budget approved last week! Haha! Medyo ang saya. Or dahil bago pa lang ako ulit dito? But all those years of experience, and how much I hated very little information on emails, I managed to apply my experience by sending them very specific information. So no more questions asked. Kung meron man, very minimal na lang.

Honestly, I don't like being asked for updates. It's good that we have Project List meetings and updates. No need to be asked. We just send everything and that's good. And it's really helpful.

I have to go for now. I'll update when I have the time again. :)

A TRIP THAT STARTED THE YEAR

Lagi kong sinasabi, another thing off the bucket list! :-) I don't buy souvenirs because these used tickets, couple of bills from the country I visited are priceless already. But if I can't help it, I would spend more than 30 minutes holding a souvenir item from Disneyland. It's expensive, but it's worth the time na nagpabalik balik ako at paulit ulit na tinitignan yung price tag. Wala dito nun e. There are so many things I would like to say about my experience abroad pero sa susunod na post na lang. Haha!

WIP - WATCH ME NAE NAE

Ang labo ng title. Parang ako pag may PMS. Hay.

WORK IN PROGRESS KASI!

So! A little miracle happened this week when we had our weekly design meeting with our boss. Gusto na nya ng colorful sa 2016 SMDC Calendar. I want to make it different this time. I didn't use any of our existing photos from our library but I vectorized the buildings and added little/simple details just to fill lang the canvas.

I recycled some items from my previous work -- the LRT, Coca Cola cup and the trees. I made them for Mezza II Residences' vicinity map (2013) na hindi naapprove. Kung papalarin, baka maisama na tong mga to dito. (Lord, sana po maapprove kasi full po ang effort ko dito. As in. Lumilevel sa dugo't pawis. Ganern.)

Sana maapprove. :)

Yun lang ang panalangin ko ngayon para hindi ako umiyak. Haha!

AFTER A FEW HOURS UPDATE

Dear Blog,

After I posted my sad entry earlier, I browsed my previous years' post and realized three things: (1) i always feel sad. Like it's my default emotion. Oh Sadness, where is Joy? I thought I need to be sad so I can find Joy? I imagine blue and yellow core memory and Joy trying to kick Sadness out of touching the crystal balls. (2) I find joy when I observe and make a list of my observations. And (3) when I blog about my travels.

What else? I browsed my bucketlist. And I smiled when I saw that there are items I need to cross out already. Like, getting a passport, and some other stuff. Yes, I have my passport already (finally! After 8 years of planning to get one, meron na din!) And I look forward to blog every little details of my "out of the country" trips next year. Lord help me. :-) i want every pages of my passport stamped! (Including visas)

FIGURES AND SPEECH

Dear Blog,

When it's that time of the day I am trying to figure out what the hell I really want to do. I wanna try amigurumi, I wanna do handlettering (which I already spent some good amount of money buying calligraphy/brush pens, and a book just to put an end to my very little progress) i wanna join bazaars so I can sell some of the keychains I made and sell stuff to the people I think I share the same interests. I wanna go back to drawing but I stopped after filling the first page of my sketchbook. I wanna join the hiphop class in the office every Thursday. I wanna go back to playing badminton, I wanna be a samurai (because they're cool), I wanna plant trees, I wanna be in a rescue team, I wanna join SWAT, I wanna be a vampire, I wanna smash a zombie's head and there are sooo many I wanna do's right now.

There were days when I'm so happy I want to do things and I plan them in my head and discuss it excitedly and make a list and sleep. But when I wake up the next morning, there's my default blank thoughts doing the same routine - wake up really tired, ride the stressful LRT, wait for the cramped shuttle going to MOA Complex, walk, wait for the elevator, sit in front of my computer and think: what the hell am I doing with my life? What the hell am I doing here? How the hell did I arrive here? Like I teleported from nowhere. But let's be honest. Somehow, we've been through here. And no kidding, it happened to me already. When I plugged my electric fan in the office, I realized how did I get in here? I told no one about this not until today. And for two straight days now, I am feeling depressed and unproductive. The more I try to figure out what's happening to me and unable to get REASONABLE answers, I am sinking into the same blank hole again.

Sometimes I cry. Not because I am a coward but my heart is really heavy and that's the only way to get a decent 4-hour sleep. And recently, I noticed that when I pray at night, I don't finish my prayer anymore. You know why? Tulog na kasi ako. Last Saturday, nagising ako in the middle of my sleep dahil sa paglalakad ng mga tao sa taas, I thought it was noon already only to find out at that it was 5:21 in the morning! Pagod na pagod ako that night. And I was furious. I want to shout and throw myself out the window but instead, I prayed. I am not a religious person but I believe in Him. I just said, please put me into a deep sleep so I wouldnt hear a thing. I woke up 1PM after that prayer.

Tonight, I will pray. And thank Him because I am loved despite my sadness. I may not know what I really wanna do right now but things will be better soon. Malalaman ko din kung ano bang gusto kong gawin bukod sa pagdedesign at sa kagustuhan kong maging samurai.

I am feeling better now. Goodnight world!

NEW DESKSTUFF ITEM: SHAUN'S CHALLENGE

McDonald's Shaun the Sheep Happy Meal

I don't know how to call this little entertaining thing but it serves its purpose pretty well. The game's objective is to try to catch that red ball into Shaun's yellow thingy. As simple as that. It kept me busy for 30 minutes. :-)

Wala talagang kwentang post ito. Haha! Gusto ko lang magkaron ng bagong series. Deskstuff. Ye!

DESKSTUFF

Hindi naman talaga ako collector, but these are the things I hoarded for the past two years. Yung iba, matagal ng toys. Then the others, gifts. I collect even Cinema tickets, stickers, pictures, in which, you guys are also guilty. :-) I am just happy displaying these items in my office desk. I spend most of my living (living talaga, hindi gising) time here. I think I live here already. I need to ask for the building admin's permission so I could set up my bedroom kahit sa loob ng storage area. I could ask Daddy Henry Sy Jr. na lang pala for my bedroom here. :-)

Le desk. The computer and everything else. I want to keep it tidy kaya medyo konti yung mga nakadisplay. 

Coca Cola bus tin can, more mini cars, Lego logging truck and McDonald's dangling coffee cup.

I pin all the interesting and memorable finds/letters here. My favorite is that Mockingjay pin I got from SM North EDSA's Cinema guy (the guy who runs the cinema  at the projection booth). And that advance movie screening of Home because I won a Mowgli Vinyl Figure at their contest.

That's my Mowgli. Another techdeck finger board, Luke Skywalker and Hawkeye Mighty Muggs Figures, Penguin hand cream and Annie's wash tapes. 

My favorite display. It includes two  mini vans, and two techdeck finger boards. (Not in photo: Kre-O Transformers Custom Kreon)

Yup, I'm sick.

Madami pa yan. I kept them until mabilan ko sila ng glass display area, (SHALA!) para hindi sila madumihan.